Living Fully and Finishing Well: Lessons from My Friend Joe Bottorf's Inspiring Final Chapter.

Deb Krier [00:00:01]:

Hey there, lifter uppers. I'm Deb Krier, the co host of Cancer and Comedy where our mission is to heal cancer impacted people through hope and humor. Something we like to call turning the grim into a grin. Well, today on cancer and comedy, Dr. Brad and I are going to be talking about living a full life and finishing strong. So now here is the host of cancer and comedy, Dr. Brad Miller.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:00:25]:

Hey Deb, good to be with you. And all of our lifter uppers. People who have decided in their own life, no matter what happened to them, whether they're cancer diagnosis or some other adversity, that we're just not going to let that stop us. We're going to go on and live a full life and finish strong, whatever the circumstances are. And that is the overall theme of what we're about here in Cancer and Comedy which is to do just that by living a full life and finishing strong and doing so with a bit of hope and humor about how we do it makes a difference as well. And so that's what we like to do. We like to talk about this and turning the grim into a grin and having fulfilled happy life, living a delighted life to the very end, whatever that means for you. And that's why we are developing a community of like minded people here at Cancer and Comedy.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:01:14]:

And we would love for you to join our community, a part of what we're about. You can leave us voicemails and other things like that at our website, cancerandcomedy.com or simply join us by going to cancerandcomedy.com Free is one way to get our online course that we have. And that's one thing that you can do also. You can join us by cancerandcomedy.com follow. We'd love to have you in our community. Well, Deb. Hey Deb, one of the things we like to do is have some fun here. How about a couple of.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:01:50]:

How about a couple of bad dad jokes? Are you ready for a cup here?

Deb Krier [00:01:53]:

You know, I wait all week for these.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:01:55]:

No, I know that you do. Well, last night I didn't, you know, sleep so well. I kind of dreamt. I dreamed that I was a muffler. Oh, I was exhausted.

Deb Krier [00:02:09]:

Oh dear. You know, I don't. I maybe I encourage you when I laugh at these. I don't know.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:02:13]:

Well, you know, I'm just kind of having a bad time. When I was in the kitchen earlier, cut my finger shredding cheese. I think I may have a greater problem.

Deb Krier [00:02:25]:

Cute, cute, cute. Well, like I said I think I encourage you by laughing, but we love these. And so as you know, following our conversation, you're going to want to stick around for Dr. Brad's bad joke of the day. Yep, we've got another one. But then of course we turn serious with the very important Faith it or break it segment. Well, as mentioned, we would love for you to be part of our cancer and comedy community where together we crush cancer. A message of how to cope with hope and humor.

Deb Krier [00:02:56]:

Please follow cancerandcomedy.com/follow,

Dr. Brad Miller [00:03:02]:

Deb, today I just want to share kind of some special thoughts and memories about a good friend of mine. Now you and I are friends. We've known each other for a little more than three years and we've we share life together not only here on our podcast episode, but we talk about other things in our life. I know that you love dogs and you and your husband like to travel and and do other things in life. And you we were talking about how care for friends in your life and you have heard about some of my family, my wife and my kids and grandkids and we share life together and that's been a good thing about you and I and our friendship. But I also, I wanted to talk today about a long term friend and how that makes an impact on our lives and how it's an important part of what we do and having value and cherishing in our lives. And I was able to privileged to attend the funeral of a good friend of mine just a couple weeks ago. And this is a friend of mine I've known for over 50 years now.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:03:59]:

I've got I'm 67 years old and so that means I've known Joe since I was in high school days and he was a chaperone of a event that I went to when he was probably in his early 20s and I was about 16. And he was a chaperone of a trip that I took and he took to New York city and Washington D.C. to study the issues of world hunger. And so I got to know him then back then in that era when I was in high school and he and I served in ministry together for all these years together and we well over 50 years and he is a good friend of mine and we did many projects together. We served in the same community for many years as pastors of neighboring churches. We shared staff people in other words, like we had a youth pastor who served both of our churches, for instance, we did many things together as churches, various worship events and social Events and things of that nature as churches. And he and I got together socially from time to time. He also was a local real estate agent and he actually sold me the house that I live in right now.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:05:08]:

So we, Debbie and I are really indebted to him for the house she and I have lived in for quite a few years now. He. He sold us this house. So we. And I've interviewed him on my podcast, other podcasts that I've done and things like that. And he just a really great friend and we trapped one of the more memorable things we did. About seven or eight years ago, we traveled to the country of Colombia together to do a mission project and some the barrios and some of the really difficult places in the country of Colombia. And we got to travel and spend some time together and serving in some challenging circumstances among the poor folks in the country of Colombia.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:05:49]:

So I got to know him very well, good, good friend of mine. And a couple years ago he lost his wife after a long extended illness. And we were, you know, shared life together in that process. And then about a year or so ago, his health started to go south and he's been in hospice care for the last year or so. And of course I've seen his kind of decline in that area and that's been kind of sad to see. But what I wanted to share with our cancer comedy community is that one of the things that Joe brought to my life is just his just thrill about living life. Always had a smile on his face, some silly joke, laughter, his voice. And he would always encourage you now.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:06:29]:

So he and I both went through some discouraging times in our ministry and life together. And he lost his wife and we went through some things together with that. He helped me through my cancer situation a few years ago. But he always really positive, uplifting guy, energy guy. And so what I wanted to share though is at his funeral service that we had a few weeks ago, there were some really lessons that I learned there and I wanted to share with our cancer and comedy audience. And that is in the last year or so. He had been pretty sick, like I said, in hospice care for over a year. And he had decided even as his health was declining that he was going to be continue to be active as he could in the church that he was a part of.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:07:17]:

And he attended one of the. He's. Joe was a very intellectual guy and a very musical guy. He was a classically trained musician, singer, choir leader, theater, played instruments. And he was also was a Latin major in college. And so he taught Latin. So not too many people know Latin, you know, for instance, that was. But he was very from a high church tradition, lots of liturgy and things of this nature.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:07:46]:

So church he went to attended in his retirement years was a very ornate, elaborate church with big pipe organ and very ornate and elaborate worship experiences. And he was a part of that and helped lead the choir and so on for many, many years was a part of that. But he decided that one of the things that he and he couldn't really attend church in person for the last many, many months of his debilitation of his health and he was would participate in his worship virtually. So he would, he shared and his daughter, who's a friend of mine and helping him run his real estate business share that he would usually attend the 9:30 on, on video on YouTube, the 9:30 service of the church they used to serve called Smith Valley Church. And he would attend that service virtually at 9:30am on Sundays. And then the church he attended, he attended and was a part of in his retirement years called Robert's park at the 10:30 service when he would be there every week. And he would make comments to the pastors and so on about things and be participate best he could. But he made it his through virtually through and through video.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:08:59]:

So that's what we communicate through our audiences through audience audio and through video, through podcasting and through video. And so that's one of the things that he did. So he still participated and he would still send notes and indicate prayers and so on and participate in other ways. But he made it his goal that he wanted to participate, if he all could, in easter service of 2023, which was April 9th of 2023. And so he planned for some time as best he could to go to Easter service.

Deb Krier [00:09:34]:

And he didn't think he was in

Dr. Brad Miller [00:09:36]:

person, in person, in person. And this was going to be quite an undertaking because he was basically, you know, in pretty tough shape, more or less bedridden for many months. But he was able to attend Easter service with a great deal of effort. His daughter brought him a wheelchair and so on. And he was in went to a special area in the church. It was for, you know, people in wheelchairs and so on and able to be in a balcony area to kind of overlooking the sanctuary. And he was able to participate, be a part of the service and the choir was able to sing and of course Easter high church moment. And he was old, but the pastor of the church, really wonderful guy who's originally from England.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:10:19]:

So he has this Beautiful lilting English accent went up as a part of the service, went up and allowed Joe to give the benediction of the service. And he went up to where Joe was at in this balcony area. And the pastor of the church and Joe's daughter were able to hold up Joe, literally help him stand up from his wheelchair, and he was able to give the benediction, the closing prayer of the service. And it's very short and brief. I want to read it. And I hope that later on I can maybe insert this into the actual recording of what we're doing here for what Joe actually said and that he just said this. He just said as his closing comments was, surely God who saves me, I will follow him and not be afraid, for he is my stronghold in my life. a sure defense.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:11:09]:

Amen. And he said it in his weak, weak voice, very different than what he normally would have. He's able to give that teaching there to all of us. I wasn't able to be there, but I heard it in the funeral service was shared. That was shared. And in the funeral service, it was indicated that, you know, this was a really important moment, and for Joe, this was what he was looking forward to. And indeed, it came to pass that that was on April 5th of 2026. And then he passed away on.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:11:45]:

On April 25th, just 20 days later of when he passed away. So one of the last acts he was able to do was to participate in something that he loved to do, and who was able to participate in that way and to share a good word and a word that I thought was important and that was shared at his funeral service. And there was a lot of people sharing how much he meant to them and the other. So that. So that was shared at the funeral service. But the other part about the funeral service, which was so memorable to me, is that Joe had planned out the entire service, every song, and he had written, rewritten part of the lyrics of some of the hymns that we sang he'd written. There was other writings that he had done, a part of it. He had written the entire service, picked up the songs, the choir sang a song that he loved, and there was very elaborate liturgy that was a part of the service.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:12:37]:

And the pastor said as a part of the service that, you know, he had written very detailed. His fingerprints were all over the service. And he had that plan going on. So he was able to be participation, participating in not only the last service of worship he had, which was he lived his life as a pastor and as a worship leader and as a musician and As a writer and as an intellectual person. And he was able to participate in his last act of worship on Easter Sunday, and the last act of worship regarding him on his funeral service and all that was very powerful and meaningful to me. And knowing him for over 50 years, and of course, other people, his daughter and other family members and folks in both the church he attended and the last church he served, which he had served for many years, about 15 plus years were there and sharing stories and that kind of thing. But I wanted to share with our audience and with you some of the things I thought were lessons learned and I think can apply to us are Lifter Uppers. We like to call our people who follow us Lifter Uppers because they are people who have decided to lift up themselves and lift up one another, even the midst of something like a cancer diagnosis, and to live life to the full and to finish strong.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:13:52]:

Wrong. And so I just wanted to share a few lessons that I think I learned from the life of my friend Joe. Joe, but is his name that I think can apply to all of us. So this isn't just a. This is what we're doing here is not just a story of memorial remembrance about my friend. It's about how it applies to all of us and how maybe we can apply to this. And I just want to see what you think. And one of them is to.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:14:17]:

One of the lessons I think I learned is kind of have a vision that bigger than your circumstances. You know, Joe was in hospice and he was weak and he was homebound, but he wasn't defined by that condition. He kind of kept his eyes on a bigger goal that he wanted to serve others to the end. And that one thing got him not only out of bed, but out of the wheelchair and into that service on Easter Sunday. And so I think it's important to have a vision bigger than your circumstances. What he. How do you respond to that?

Deb Krier [00:14:48]:

Oh, definitely, you know, because it can really drag us down. And especially when, you know, you're getting toward the end, which he really knew. But we've talked about it and, you know, with many of the guests, the importance of having goals, you know, and his goal was not, hey, I'm gonna do this five, ten years from now. It's, I'm gonna do it this week, you know, and I think that's one of the things that is so important, is to set attainable goals. And, you know, and. And because sometimes we do get too lofty with them, and then we're kind of crushed when we don't meet those, but he knew what he could do, and he made that his goal. And obviously he communicated that with the people who cared about him and they were going to help him make it attainable also. And.

Deb Krier [00:15:39]:

And I just love that his last, really last big thing was to give back to others.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:15:45]:

Indeed. Indeed. And I think you touched on a very important point there, Dev, and I think it's another point I really want our lifter uppers to hear. If you're going to set a goal, set a meaningful goal that you can do something about, you know, specific. You know, there's something called smart goals, specific and meaningful and attainable and achievable within a time frame. And it was specific and achievable for him. Now, he. His goal wasn't to beat cancer and to, you know, get back into work and all that kind of thing.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:16:19]:

It was a concrete, meaningful goal to see if you could make it to worship. And he made it there. And so that's a good thing there. I think another thing I learned is to show up even when life is hard.

Deb Krier [00:16:32]:

Right.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:16:32]:

You know, he showed up, he wrote that benediction prayer. It wasn't just off the cuff thing. He. I have the video still of him doing it on the YouTube video, and it shows him reading it off a card that he had with him, that he prepared for his. His time. And he showed up. And there's something profound about your presence that is important there, that you still matter. You still matter.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:17:00]:

Your thoughts.

Deb Krier [00:17:01]:

Right? Right. Well, yeah, I mean, you know, and. And it gave him something to do. Right. You know, and I am guessing, you know, just hearing you talk about him, that this was something that he probably spent a lot of time working on and, you know, because he wanted to make it as meaningful as he could, you know, and I think he probably also realized it was going to be hard for some people to see him, you know, but I think it's good for us to see people who kind of rise above, you know, and so, yeah, I mean, there were just so many messages that he gave. I mean, you know, the simplest one was don't give up, you know, and. But yeah, he just. He really made sure that what he did was meaningful.

Deb Krier [00:17:54]:

And I am, you know, guessing that every person who was at that service will always remember that.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:18:00]:

Absolutely. Indeed. And I think another lesson I learned there is speak the truth while you can't, you know, while you're capable. You don't need to wait forever. You know, I know that he had some times with his daughters and family members and other people in his life where he was able to speak truth to them personally. And remember, you know, he said in his benediction, he said, surely God will save me. I'll follow him and not be afraid, for he's a stronghold of my life. So do not be afraid to say those things, to do what you can.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:18:30]:

And I know in my own life, my own father, before, about six months before he passed away, I have three sisters and a brother. And he gathered all five of us together six months or so before he passed away, while he still had. And he had some things he wanted to share, and some of it was actually some details about his funeral and things of that nature, but also personal things. Share it while you can. You don't need to wait forever and. Because time will slip away, and you need to do that. So another thing I think we can do is have some intention with your life. He planned out his funeral service.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:19:09]:

He made some plans regarding other things in his life. And I think that's important to be intentional as well. If you've known some people who didn't plan accordingly and kind of left people in their life a little bit hanging out to dry a little bit. As you know, I know that I have so.

Deb Krier [00:19:25]:

Right. You know, and my mother was, you know, was a planner. And it was immensely. I was immensely grateful that she had done that. She'd even written down the songs that she wanted. Now she didn't write her eulogy. And the strange thing is she didn't write her obituary. We had kind of thought she would.

Deb Krier [00:19:43]:

But one of the funny things that she did was, you know, she wrote down which mortuary she wanted to go to. And the really funny thing was she said, do not take me to. In all caps. Right. Ex mortuary. Because you hadn't read that. And I was like, okay. Well, she hasn't struck us by lightning, so we must be okay.

Deb Krier [00:20:05]:

But, yeah, she had it all planned out. And it was interesting. I was talking with someone just yesterday whose father was a minister who had passed, and they'd been given six weeks, and they actually got about three weeks, you know, much shorter time period. And she said he did the same thing. He gathered them together. He put all of his, you know, as we call it, put his affairs in order.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:20:29]:

Yes, yes.

Deb Krier [00:20:30]:

And one of the things he said was he wanted to make it easy for those who came after him. You know, and sometimes people do that, sometimes they don't. But it, you know, that's one of the things that sometimes I think we, you know, that can Be a goal is how can we make it easy on the folks that are, you know, left behind?

Dr. Brad Miller [00:20:52]:

Absolutely. That. And that's a gift. That really is one of the other things I learned about Joe and his life is staying connected with others was important to him, and I think it should be important to all of us. And that was kind of, you know, community relationships, friendships, or medicine. Right.

Deb Krier [00:21:08]:

And I know watching the services every week, that was very important to him. That was how he was staying connected.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:21:16]:

And he also made time for his family and so on. But also, people came to see him. You know, I knew a chaplain friend of mine, went over to his house to see him in the last few weeks of his life. And so he connected, and certainly the pastor of his church and other folks. So he connected personally and interpersonally with church folks and with his pastor and with his daughter and other family members. And he wasn't isolated. And so, in fact, I understand in the couple weeks after he. After this Easter service where he gave the benediction, it was on the church as a YouTube page, and he would say to people who came to visit, which several did in the last couple weeks of his life, he said, hey, I'm on YouTube.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:21:57]:

And you pull up the video, everyone say, take a look at me here. And so he was always a bit of a showman. You know, he was a musician and showman. But meaningful human connection changes people, and we need to be intentional about our human connections.

Deb Krier [00:22:12]:

Right. And the thing with Joe is he lived until that very last day. You know, he wasn't just going to lay there and feel sorry for himself or any of those things. It was, in essence, he went out with a bang. Right. You know, he made sure that what he did was what he wanted, but again, it was to serve others.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:22:36]:

Absolutely. A couple of things I want to mention here, and one of them is that, hey, you've got gifts that you can bring all the way to the end. And in Joe's case, you know, it was music, it was liturgy, it was presence. It was basically preaching, you know, and all those type of things he brought to the end. But all of us have something that we can offer to the end. It might be a good word to somebody in the family. It could be all kinds of things, but we have vitality in our life to the very end. Bring your gift to the end, most

Deb Krier [00:23:04]:

definitely, you know, and it might be the time to mend some fences or maybe not. I mean, you know, you don't want to get stressed out, but, you know, maybe it's more reach out to the folks that mean a lot to you that maybe you just haven't talked to in a while, you know, and just say, you know, hey, was thinking of you and now I'm going to be watching over you, you know, but yeah, you know, have those. Have those conversations while you can. And of course, the important thing is have those conversations before you get sick. But yeah, once, you know, hey, this is. Is what's happening, then really be, as you said, be very intentional about it.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:23:44]:

Love that. I love that. I think another thing I learned from Joe is, and kind of a lesson he taught at the very end, don't be afraid. You know, he knew he was facing his mortality, and he was just saying to people, you know, God saves me. Don't be afraid. And kind of. That was kind of his son. This is kind of his witness to other people.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:24:06]:

And that doesn't mean he wasn't. It was just kind of a public declaration of faith for him. Not a denial about, you know, of the unknown, but just a statement of kind of courage. Don't pretend like everything's fine, but just to face the future and don't let fear have the last word. And I think that was an important message.

Deb Krier [00:24:27]:

Well, and of course, he knew what was coming next, and he knew it was good, you know, and, you know, even if, you know, obviously that was from the faith perspective, but it was also he was going to be free from pain, you know, all of those various things. But, yeah, he knew. He knew what was coming. And I'm sure, you know, that especially as a man of very devout faith, he was very much looking forward to it.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:24:53]:

Absolutely. Absolutely. The other aspect I think I learned here is that, you know, you can be a contributor to the end, not just a recipient. A lot of people, a lot of times when we are impacted by cancer, we are receiving care, you know, whether it's in his case hospice care, we're care from others. And that's all good. That's all well and good, but you can always give something back, be a contributor to others in some way. Now just think about what can I give to others today, whatever it is. And in his case, you know, it was being a good friend and writing, you know, music, liturgy and things like that.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:25:27]:

But what are some ways that you, in your life. Life can be a contributor. Right.

Deb Krier [00:25:32]:

And every day. Right. Whether, you know, because let's be honest, we are all dying. You know, for most of us, though, hopefully it's a long ways off. But why not live like, you know, we need to. We need to tell people, you know, what is it? It's the Tim McGraw song, right. Live like you're dying.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:25:50]:

Yeah.

Deb Krier [00:25:50]:

And so be grateful, tell people thank you all of those things, because you really don't know when things are going to end.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:25:58]:

Yeah. Well, just two more points I want to lift up that I thought were teaching points for me and I think may be helpful to our Lifter Uppers. And one, the image I have of this whole experience. One of the main images I have was when Joe gave this benediction, which is the closing prayer of a worship experience. He was held up by the pastor of the church and by his daughter. They literally held him up. And there are times when we just need to let others hold us up. And I just think.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:26:33]:

And there's something really beautiful and familial about that, you know, that is really. That we are weak, but we are strong together. And I just. I love that because he was able to still make a contribution, supported by others around him. And I think we. We don't have to do all this stuff alone. We can be lifted up by others. And I think when we say that we are Lifter Uppers here in our community, we mean that, don't we? We want to lift up one another in our community.

Deb Krier [00:27:01]:

Right. You know, and it is hard to ask for help. You know, we want to be independent. We don't want to bother people. And I tell folks, you know, sometimes the strongest thing you can do is to ask for help. And I'm sure that the pastor and his daughter, they got as much out of being able to help him as he did. Being able to have that help.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:27:25]:

Indeed, indeed. But one last thing I just want to leave our lifter uppers with. And that is, you know, finish strong, that your last chapter can be a strong chapter of your life. I read a book several years ago called Final Gifts, and it was basically about some of the last words that sometimes famous people, but other ordinary people, the last words or last acts that people did before they passed away, and how that's kind of a memorable thing. You know, I know my own dad, not long before he passed away, said to me, everybody has a path to live. Some people have a long path, a strong path, but follow your own path. And that's one of the things that he said to me. I always will remember that.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:28:06]:

And in Joe's case, you know, he gave his benediction and. And so on. But let your last chapter be a memorable and be a powerful one and note your life has value. To the very end.

Deb Krier [00:28:17]:

Finish strong, right, and live it on your terms. You know, I'm sure that, you know, people told him, oh, no, you can't do that. You can't. You. You can't know. And he went, and, you know, got dressed in a way. He went, you know, but, yeah, you need to live on your terms.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:28:38]:

Well, and I just kind of would leave us with this thought that for Joe's case, Easter, of course, is the day in the Christian tradition of resurrection and new life, you know, as a transition. And he did that on Easter Sunday, so that was important for him to do that. And certainly that was a great. That made that Easter service for that church and everybody who's witnessed it on YouTube and so on a very powerful experience with that, but that you have something to offer there. And a newness can come in all kinds of ways, including when we transition, we pass on. So in his case, his final chapter was an epilogue, kind of a look back only, but it was a climax. It was the ultimate climax of his life. And I love that, and I just love that for our lifter uppers that we can learn lessons.

Dr. Brad Miller [00:29:32]:

I think everybody has a Joe in their life. At least I hope that you do that. Someone who's spoken to your life that you can learn some lessons from and to take it on and live your life. And so I thank God for Joe in my life, for Joe Butterfield, and for his message to me, and I hope that I can have a little piece of that in me as I go on to the next things in my life. And I want to thank you and our lifter uppers for being a part of what we do right here in the Cancer and Comedy podcast.

Deb Krier [00:29:58]:

Well, you know, I want to thank you because you do embody that spirit of, you know, and, you know, it just. It really is something that is so important. You're always thinking of, how can you give back? How can you be of service? And, you know, on behalf of the listeners, I want to thank you for that.