Responding When a Friend Texts I Have Cancer: Practical Advice and Real Human Connection

Deb Krier 0:00

Deb, hey there lifter uppers, I'm Deb crear, the co host of cancer and comedy, where our mission is to heal cancer impacted people through hope and humor, something we like to call turning the grim into a grin. Well, today we're going to take a little bit more of a serious turn on cancer and comedy, because we're going to talk about how to respond when a friend texts, I have cancer. So now here is the host of our cancer and comedy podcast, Dr. Brad Miller,

Dr. Brad Miller 0:27

Hey, Deb, good to be with you and all our lifter upwards as we continue our journey that we've been embarked on for a few years now, about how we can help people to cope with hope and humor. And that has to do a lot of people's attitude when they deal with cancer or some of the bad adversity in their life, and we like to offer some alternative ways to approach things, sometimes about mental health and attitude. We like to have some fun once in a while, but it's all about developing a community people who care about one another deeply and care about helping one another to have a fulfilled life to the end of life. And that's what we like to call that, dealing with the Gramma of cancer with a grin, in the sense of having a grin and having some fulfillment in your life to the end of end of your life. And we just hope you will get connected to our cancer and comedy community, simply going to cancer and comedy.com/follow Hey, Deb, how about a couple of dad jokes to get us started here today.

Deb Krier 1:22

Well, you know I wait anxiously.

Dr. Brad Miller 1:24

I know you do. I know you do. And we're recording this around the first of February, for second of February of 2026, and so it's Groundhog Day, so we're not going to repeat every joke, but just as a good Groundhog Day. But wait, there is something repetitive thing people do this time of year, and that is that lot of people give up on their New Year's resolutions about this time of year. You know that, right? And then so I heard about somebody who was about ready to give up on their New Year's diet. And so they, they almost broke when they when she said, I ate a gluten free, lactose free, low carb pizza for dinner tonight, a raw tomato.

Deb Krier 2:07

Oh, no, one

Dr. Brad Miller 2:10

more, did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage?

Deb Krier 2:18

Cute, cute, cute. I love it. I love it. Well, following our conversation today, you definitely want to stick around, because we will have another one of Dr Brad's bad jokes of the day. But then, of course, we turn very serious with the very important faith It or Break It segment. Well, as we said, we would love for you to be part of our cancer and comedy community, where together we can crush cancer with a message of how to cope with hope and humor. Please follow cancer and comedy at cancer and comedy.com/follow

Dr. Brad Miller 2:51

Well, Deb, this week I just on cancer comedy. I thought we just talked about something that is a relatively common occurrence to a lot of people. I know it's happened to you and I are both cancer impacted people. I deal with prostate cancer and deal with breast cancer, and we've had our situations to deal with that, both in our physical health and also how we deal with other people, family members, friends, co workers and that type of thing. But I want to put the show on the other foot here, just for a minute. Sometimes it gets communicated to us. It happened in our family. Here recently, it's happened with family members. In my life, when I was a local church pastor, it would happen on a somewhat regular basis, hey, where you get a text or a message that so and so has cancer, and you know that person, and you have a relationship with them that and sometimes that person themselves has reached out to tell you, Hey, I have cancer, but it's through like something like a text message or maybe a Facebook post or or a voice message. It's not a direct conversation and and also that, you know, I may come in between the diagnosis and the treatment plan, and so I just thought we would talk for a minute about when we are given this situation, if we have been communicated to that somebody in our life has cancer, but we haven't spoken to them personally yet. So what kind of things should we be thinking about, should we be prepared to do as cancer impacted people, to try to be helpful, or to how can we be helpful by the things we say or don't say in that in that relationship? So I want to put that scenario to you for a moment here. I know you deal with this a lot in your try not to die. Dot, live website and Facebook, Facebook group, just take a snare and go with it for a second with me here. Will you please?

Deb Krier 4:48

Well, the first thing is, if the person themselves has contacted you, and whatever they have said, maybe it's just one sentence, I have cancer, maybe they content. You know, they give you a lot more detail. Do not, do not. Do. Or not ignore it, even if you don't know what to say. I had that happen where I texted people and, you know, message them, and I said, this is what's going on. And I got crickets, and what I thought was they don't care. Now it wasn't that they didn't care, it was that they did not know what to say, but it was such an emotional time, and to not get any response was just crushing. So even if all you say is I'm sorry, respond to them. Let them know that you got their message. And you know, and maybe you want to say, I'm sorry, reach out, you know, contact me if you need to, whatever it is, but do not just ignore it, because they will think that you don't care.

Dr. Brad Miller 5:53

And that's human connection. Is what's important here at this time, and so important that we, as you say, don't ignore it. Make the connection in such a way that that your presence is felt. It doesn't have to be an overwhelming presence, but certainly should not be an underwhelming presence, either, you know, or or lack thereof. And it can't be something as simple as saying. It may be if you get a text, for instance, maybe a text back initially. I'm glad you told me, when can we talk? You know, something along that line, or I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But the goal here, I think, is to appropriately be with them and not just pretend like it didn't happen, or to pretty like somehow the cancer will go away if you ignore it, or anything along along that line, have you had this on the other side of things, you've mentioned that people, some people, didn't respond to you. Have you had situations where, you know, you were informed that somebody in your life had cancer, or some other serious situation that you How did you choose then to respond to them?

Deb Krier 6:59

It depends on who they are. You know, if say, you told me that a friend of yours had cancer, if I knew them, I might reach out. I mean, if I don't know them, I'm just gonna say, you know Brad, I'm terribly sorry. Let me know if there's anything I can do. But if I know them, I'm not, it's, it's tricky, right? Because I probably would not reach out to them just directly. I might ask that person, are they telling anyone? Do you think it would be helpful if I contacted them? Because they might not want people to know. I mean, you know, and and so I don't want them to be mad at the friend who told me. But you know, if, if, say, You sent me a note and said, Hey, I've got this friend. She would appreciate it if you reached out. I told her about you, then I'm going to go ahead and reach out to them. But I think privacy is, is the biggest thing, you know, and really respect that don't just immediately reach out to them and say, hey, I can help, you know, kind of, kind of go from there.

Dr. Brad Miller 7:59

Yeah, let's then go to the next day. Let's say we've made that connection with the people. Maybe we've made some arrangements to have a conversation. Let's talk about the tone of that conversation or the depth of that conversation. What can we say about that? You know, should we just jump in and say, here's what I would do to do, or what should we what do you think? How should we handle that?

Deb Krier 8:26

It's human nature that we want to try and fix it, and we want to help, but that's the worst thing we can do. You know, we need them to take the lead. You know, because they again, they might not want to be talking about it a lot. They might want to talk about it in depth, but let them take the lead and and just listen. There is that saying that we have two ears and one mouth, because we should be listening twice as much as we talk. And again, we want to help. We want to be saying, Here's what I can do to fix it, you know, and all those things. No, let them lead that conversation and go where they want to go with it.

Dr. Brad Miller 9:06

I think something that I think is appropriate here is what we might call calm attention. You know, let let the conversation kind of breathe a little bit, and sometimes that means pauses and let there be pauses, even if they even get a little bit uncomfortable in the in the moment. Let's let it happen and let people express themselves and be good listener, as you say, I just think it's so important. And something I think is important is, you know, just try not to justify it in any way. What I mean by that is, you know, if somebody, you know, somebody, says something defective, well, I know that you've got, you know, in my cases, I know you got prostate cancer. But did you know that that's the, you know, cure, very curable kind of cancer. 85% of people. Can be cured by that. Well, I don't want to hear statistics at that moment, you know, yeah, that kind of thing. The whole thing has listened more than you speak. And I think pauses and to calm attention, the can comes into play here, right?

Yeah, and it's, it's always been interesting when somebody leaps in with their story, you know, and usually it's not theirs, if they're telling about someone else, and then they get to the end, they all and they died, yeah, that's really,

that's true, yeah, but because I think it's important just to try to stop don't reach for stuff. You know, sometimes we we reach, we're trying to pull. Oh, who do I know who had this kind of cancer, or whatever, you know, this kind of thing. And don't reach. Just be present here and avoid broad strokes here, or avoid platitudes and over and over optimism, this kind of thing, you know you're gonna be okay, is, yeah, you got this. You got this. Well, you know, sometimes people need a moment to to grieve. You know, when you hear I was just talking to somebody even this morning, and they were had a health condition where one option of their diagnosis of their health condition was the possibility of cancer. And it turns out, they did not have cancer. They had, you know, a rather common medical ailment, basically related to the flu and but the fact that the word cancer was even mentioned as a possibility put them into a state that was, you know, was impacting their anxiety, and that kind of said they were in a tizzy, in a tizzy. There you go. There you go. That's a good that's a good word. I just think it's more appropriate to to try to, if we're going to use phrases, let's try to use phrases that can help to kind of open up and embrace this situation, something like, you know, I hear what that's a lot to take in right now and and I'm here to be helpful to you, and I know that you're overwhelmed, But just try not to fix it right away, as

as you say, right? Yeah, I'll tell you one of the things and and, you know, I've been dealing with this for over 10 years. One of the things that I always treasure when I talk to someone, and you've done this for me, is when the the person I'm talking to says, May, May we say a prayer. To me, I'm one of those people who go to church on Christmas and Easter, right? But it is still just so moving to me when someone wants to say a prayer, you know, and it doesn't have to be in much detail, or maybe it's assignment, for whatever it is, but that always, you know, again, it's that show of support.

And even in that, I think there's an important aspect, yes, offer a prayer. But I think it's important that we offer ourselves and kind of ask permission to people to be enter these intimate levels, these spiritual levels of their life, and ask, you know, we, you and I come from the perspective of being people who have been impacted by cancer ourselves. So everybody has their cancer story they could tell, and you and I can, and at times have gone into great, even granular detail about our stories. And certainly you can pick up any number of books and other things about people in their cancer stories, and then go the great granular details about, you know, treatment, treatment plans and, you know, surgeries and so on so forth. But I think it's important that we don't jump into our story too soon and ask

permission hear somebody half to death, you know. And so I definitely don't want to do that well.

I think our stories can help. But if they're invited, you know, if they're invited, I think people need to be able to tell their story first, you know, and then

still, you know, be cautious about it. You know, if somebody says, What did you know? What was your experience? I'm probably gonna downplay it. I'm going to say, you know, I chose the traditional approach of chemo, surgery and radiation, but it is a very personal approach for each person, you know, and especially at the beginning, when they're first dealing with this. I'm not going to go into detail now later on, if they say, Hey, you know, I'm having some trouble with radiation. Did you have, you know, any trouble? Then I'm going to offer them something more specific, right? Really, at the start, it's just, you know, being there for them and remembering it's their story and their journey.

Well, I think a word that comes to play comes in my mind here, Deb, see what you think is intrusive. How can we be offer ourselves without being intrusive? And. And to to, and this has to do with permission giving and to to make sure we're trying to read the room, as my wife says, you know, to be aware and be sensitive to things. You know, another part of this thing, I want to, want you to speak to this with your dad, because you're so good at this. Let's not make it weird. Let's try to be normal. If you're whatever relationship you have, let's just say, if it's a friend you grew up with, that's one thing. If it's a co worker, it's another thing. If somebody you go to church with, or you have a casual relationship with, just kind of let your relationship, your response be in that context. Say a word about how we cannot make it weird.

I mean, you know, if you don't know them all that well, then you don't want to go into great detail, you know, and, and, and, but if it's somebody that you've known forever, then you can go, you know, with if you know they are receptive to it, then you can go into more detail. But, yeah, I mean, it's, and we've all had those people who are the TMI folks, right? I don't want, you know, I don't want to be a TMI person, and I don't want to be talking to the TMI person, you know, and and the conversation will flow naturally, and it, it could be a very short conversation, and that's okay, or it could be a very long conversation, and just kind of go where the conversation takes you. But again, let them lead, what, where it's going.

I think, yeah, let them lead. Validate their feelings, validate your feelings as well, without being dismissive of one hand or being overwhelming on On another hand, and I think that's so important that we do. And think another part of this here is to acknowledge some of the hard parts about this, that you can kind of walk through the journey together like sometimes, the particular scenario we're talking about here is that situation after diagnosis, before the treatment plan, which is the weight, the waiting period, which can be really hard. It could play tricks with your mind, you know, and your psyche and your spirit and all that type of type of thing. And I think it's important that we as those are trying to be helpful, offer appropriate, low pressure help. And you know what I mean by that, basically, is it's not just, Well, I'm here if you need help. Well, that's one thing, but also maybe I'm also here to pick up the mail for you, or I'm here to whatever, bring a meal or that kind of thing, or to be another if you need somebody to help Listen, take notes at your medical appointment, you know? Yeah, yeah, right.

Well, I think you know. And, and one of the things that I tell people is, and usually I will say this, no matter what, please do not rely on Dr Google, tempting. And now, of course, people are putting into AI, you know, and, and, and it's okay to ask AI, what questions should I be asking my doctor? But don't rely on AI to determine what your treatment is right. And, and sadly, I've seen people do that because they are overwhelmed. They're thinking, I don't know what to do. And this computer is really smart. Well, the computer pull, you know, AI pulls from everything, The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, yeah, and, and it is, you know, but, but again, you can have it say, what are five questions I need to make sure I ask, okay, that's, that's okay, but, yeah, don't now I have, I have Doctor Googled. But usually it's when it's a term that I don't know, you know, and, and so, you know, when I was initially diagnosed, it was that I had micro calcifications, and I'm like, what? And so I put micro calcification into to Google, and Google then, because of the information, then I knew what to ask you and, and so it's okay to use it a little bit, but remember, like, if you put cancer in, you're going to get millions of results. You're even going to get millions of results when you put in a specific diagnosis, like prostate cancer, breast cancer, you know you're just going to get overwhelmed. And when we're overwhelmed, it's it's just too stressful,

yeah, and then sometimes, when we're having those personal conversations, that's people to people, and doctor to people, those are all different things in an AI thing, or even if you get on some sort of a Facebook group or chat board where people are discussing this, a lot of times people are putting in those things, kind of their worst case situations. You know, the gory, terrible stuff. And occasionally you have also on the other side of things, the great, glorious, you know, healing type of things you know, that are, and really the most people are somewhere in that messy middle, you know, they're in reality that oftentimes doesn't get get you. Paid attention to. So I just say, be careful about online stuff. And we, as the actual people involved, can offer a little dose of reality, not like reality TV now, but real, real, real relationship. And we like to, we like to talk about that here at cancer comedy about developing real relationships is really where healing with hope and humor takes place. And I love that.

And speaking of humor, when somebody tells me that, you know, they're going through this, I'm usually going to say bad words that we can't say here, absolutely, yeah. And to me, that is kind of bringing it down to earth, but also acknowledging it sucks. And I'm it does code it.

Oh, of course it does. Of course it does. And we and we need to pay people need to have opportunity to go through the various stages that happen here, including anger, including grief, including bargaining, all those type, you know, the stages of life and death that we talk about. Kubler Ross and others have talked about that, but you can't really, you just don't jump from diagnosis to acceptance right away. You have to go through some process here. And you know, and sometimes people trying to be helpful will interject with a lot of questions. You know that don't aren't necessarily helpful either. You know, you get a diagnosis, well, how long's you know, when's your surgery? How long is it going to take? What's the recovery? You know? What you know? What about the treatment? You know, and not everybody knows. And it's an unfolding process, and that feels like pressure. You know, if you ask those type of questions.

Say, when is your surgery? They're like, I have to have surgery. What you know, right? Yeah, well,

I think it's kind of just as you've mentioned here a couple times, a little tricky, a little bit read the room type of thing. But it's kind of like helping people let know they're not alone, without hovering, without being, being imposing yourself on them. And I another analogy I like to think about is just to you know, it's a step by step process, one step at a time, one day at a time, and a journey often is better when we go on that journey with someone who's on our side, at least presence over time. So let's bring it around to this here. How can we, you know, I'd like for you to you have had a lot, you've had a lot of great experiences in this area here. How can we enter in this conversation within this scenario, but the person who has been diagnosed with cancer, but it has a treatment plan, and we are the cancer experience person. How can we enter into their lives with an open door that leaves the door open in that process and kind of leave space for what's what's next? You don't have to cover everything you know in that conversation. So what are some advice you would give to that person may be listening to us who's thinking, you know, here's what I can do when I have that initial conversation, that phone call or that visit,

yeah, you know, I again, I tell them, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. And then I say, you know, you know, I've been through this, I can help if you want, yes, but just tell me, you know. Tell me how I can help, you know. And I know, we say, Don't be vague, but that's where you want to be vague, you know, because you don't want to say, tell me if you want me to tell you about various treatments or tell you know, it's you know, and I tell them, you know, here's me, you know, here's my phone number. Because sometimes, you know, you get the two o'clock Heebie Jeebies, right? So if, if you want to call me at two o'clock in the morning, it's okay. Now, again, that's going to depend on the relationship with the person, casual. But if it's a friend, I'm going to tell them, you know, it's okay to call me at two o'clock in the morning when you've been laying there thinking about this. You and I might not have any answers to you besides, but yeah, just let them know that you're there, you know, and and, and if and when they want help, you're you're happy to provide what what you can.

Yeah, I love what you shared there. Thank you for sharing that. I think it goes back what we initially said, but you also start our conversation here today, today, Deb, we think is so important is do respond, but respond in such a way that you can leave the door open for more opportunities.

Yeah. I mean, you know, I had people who ghosted me, right and when I, when I would see them, they would say, well, we didn't know what to do or say. And my response usually was, well, Hallmark, Hallmark has cards. There you go. And, you know, yeah, just let them know that you're thinking of them if you, even if you've not been through this. And, you know, wonderful. Well, if you haven't, that's fabulous, but let people know that you're thinking about them. And really, there are Hallmark cards that will say, I'm thinking of you.

And besides the Hallmark Cards, we've got a community of like minded people who are cancer and comedy.com and we look to be helpful for people to develop a community people who have just decided that whatever the situation is, I'm not giving up on life. I'm going to life to the fullest and to turn the grim of cancer into the grin of a fulfilled

life, right? I love it. I love it. Well, speaking of grins, now, of course, we have another one of Dr Brad's bad jokes of the day. Do.