Planning in Pencil: A Cancer Patient's Guide to the New Year

Deb Krier 0:00

Hey, there lifter uppers. I'm Deb Krier, the co-host of Cancer and Comedy, where our mission is to heal cancer-impacted people through hope and humor, something we like to call turning the grim into a grin. Well, we are having our New Year's celebration, and so we want to talk about that today on cancer and comedy, and we're going to talk about planning in pencil a cancer patient's guide to the new year. So now here is the host of cancer and comedy. Dr Brad Miller, Hey,

Dr. Brad Miller 0:33

Deb, glad to be with you and all our lifter uppers as we embark on this new year of 2026, and we're going to be talking about how to kind of approach that in the planet, from a perspective of someone who's coping with cancer, other bad things there in their life, other adversities. And we're going to do that. One of the things we like to say here is we like to develop a community of people who are like-minded, who basically are taking an approach that I'm not done yet with living. You know, I'm not done yet with living. I may have had this bad thing happen to me, but I'm going to live my life to the fullest. And we like to call that moving from the grandma of cancer or things like that, to the grin of a fulfilled life, no matter what stage in life you're at. And so, we hope that people will get connected to us at our community here at cancer and comedy, just go to cancer and comedy.com/follow, and Hey, Deb, how about a couple of New Year-oriented jokes? You ready for those?

Deb Krier 1:28

I am ready. I'm ready. Well, my doctor

Dr. Brad Miller 1:31

said I should make a New Year's resolution to reduce stress, so I decided to stop opening his bills until February.

Deb Krier 1:41

I know that feeling. Yep. Can we pick several years in advance?

Dr. Brad Miller 1:47

There you go. One more thing that you know, they say to write down your goals for the new year. And so, on my goals, I wrote just one thing: survive. And I think that's, I think it's ambitious enough, don't you think so?

Deb Krier 2:01

It's very ambitious, but we're going to do it. There you go. There you go. I love it. Well, following our conversation, we're going to have, Yep, sorry, folks, another one of Dr Brad's bad jokes of the day. But then, of course, we have our very serious and very important faith It or Break It segment. Well, as we've said, we would love for you to be part of our cancer and comedy community, where together we crush cancer with a message of how to cope with hope and humor. Please follow cancer and comedy. At cancer and comedy.com/follow

Dr. Brad Miller 2:35

Well, today we're going to talk a bit about kind of how to plan and deal with the new year. We're recording this actually on New Year's Eve and getting ready for the new year to happen. A lot of people talk about resolutions and planning and goal setting and things like that. And we were talking about how for people dealing with cancer and things like this, things change dramatically from day to day, even, and from moment to moment, and you just can't, can't quite know what's exactly going to happen. And I had a kind of an illustration of that, my life, kind of a weird, wacky story that happened just yesterday, where things happen on a dime, and you don't know what to do. So much the stories are simply mine. I'm 67 years old. My mother is 88; she had a birthday recently, but she had to. She decided she really wanted to go to a movie theater to see a movie. She's a big Neil Diamond fan and has a movie out now called Song Sung Blue. She really wanted to go to the movie theater to see that for the first time since pre-COVID days. So I said, Okay, Mom will take you. And we went to the movie theater and placed, and she's in a wheelchair. My mom is in a wheelchair. And for the most part, get the movie theater places packed out, including all the wheelchair areas. So, we had to sort that out. She almost got in a fight with another person in a rolling, you know, in a roller thing. And so that was good to see 280-year-olds getting a fight over a place there at a movie theater, but that was fun. And then, no, that wasn't too bad, but we got that worked out, saw the movie. It was great going out of the movie theater, though, of course, my mom wanted to get popcorn and pop and that kind of stuff. And as we're leaving, she wants me to, of course, clean up my mess that supposedly I had made, because even though she had popcorn, like it popcorn and Coke, you know, Pops, soft drink, and that kind of thing. And I've tried to manage pushing her out in a wheelchair and handling these bags of popcorn and soft drinks all at one time, and kind of pushing it with my legs and things like that. Stop at the big trash barrel they have at the top of the ramp that goes out, goes out of the theater. And I, of course, dropped one of the cups of Suffolk. It goes everywhere. I lean over to pick it up, throw it in there. All said, I see my mom heading down the ramp of going into me through the door, and she's gone at lightning speed. And I go, oh man, I go. I've chased after I follow my face, my phone. Goes everywhere. My hat is everywhere. I banged my knee hard. She goes right through the doorway, right through a bunch of people, and bangs it, puts her feet out, and stops her fall. She crashes into the wall on the other side of the theater, and I run to you, okay, mom. And then, about that time that my alarm thing goes off on my Apple Watch. My Apple Watch has the fall thing. I got to punch that dog thing. It was quite the scene. But she was okay. I'm the one who got hurt a little bit and banging my knee up and but she kind of laughed it off. I kind of laughed it off, too. But just to watch, to look up and see my mom going full speed down this wheelchair down the ramp with all these people around. It's just like it shows you how things change on a dime, don't they? They can change very quickly. And because it could have been bad, she could have broken her leg, or any number of things, I would have been in trouble. I probably already am in trouble for life, the way it is. But, you know, it was kind of funny now, but things change quickly. And see, it was sort of it is with folks dealing with cancer and things of that nature. You everything seems to be going along, okay, and then you have something happen and you but the kind of, the point I want to make with you is you don't always, you can't plan in the same way that you used to, you know, may have had a plan, you know, like for the year, to whatever it is, to get a raise or to lose weight, or to, you know, read 10 books, or whatever it would be. But you can't always set goals and this type of thing in the same way. And so that's one of the reasons we titled this episode of planning in pencil, a cancer patient's guide to the new year. So just give me some of your thoughts about this. So, let's, you know, I kind of give you my silly story there about what happened in real life that impacts things. Because if you know, if she'd broken her leg, or whatever it would have been, that would have been a bad scene, we'd have to deal with that. But what are your thoughts on it? What are some of the ways that people can maybe not so much be the goal-setting thing, you know, the resolution thing, but maybe one way of planning your life as you enter a new year for cancer patients?

Deb Krier 7:06

You know, you touched on the fact that we lose control, you know, and whether mom wheeling off down the thing or we've got cancer and we don't know what the heck is going on. And we don't like that, you know, we like to have things that we have planned. And I think one of the things you know about New Year's resolutions is they tend to be these grandiose things. You know, I'm going to lose 100 pounds, and I'm going to stop smoking. And I think what we need to remember at this time is we do need to plan. We need to, you know, not just give in, because, as I said, we want to get back something under control, but we need to make the thing something doable. You know, maybe it's getting through each day, maybe it's finished treatment. You know, whatever it is, make your New Year's resolutions, so to speak, something that is achievable, and celebrate the things that are kind of the small victories, right?

Dr. Brad Miller 8:06

Absolutely, I think that may be Deb, see what you think about this kind of redefining or reframing, how we look at goals and things of this nature. So instead of looking at kind of those milestone markers, you know, lose weight, money, whatever we would be to to find moments or find good intentions, you know, find moments of joy, find moments of relaxation, mind, moments where your pain has been dealt with. Things like this, instead of rigid goals, seek to have enjoyable moments. So, you may not run a marathon by June, but you may be able to spend some quality time with some family, or you may be able to enjoy a good book, something like this. Along this line, things that bring you, bring you, bring you. You joy. Reframing is one way of looking at

Deb Krier 9:01

It, right? You know. And in the title, we talk about a pencil, right, right? I think it's all about being flexible. Well, this didn't work. So now, what are we going to do? You know? And it's that way no matter what, in life, right? You know, when we set rigid things, and then it doesn't work out, we get very upset, and, you know, and, and that's never going to work. And so what are we going to do to make sure that we can believe, be flexible? You know, life is going to throw us curves no matter what. And so, you know, don't write things in ink. Don't carve them in stone, put them in pencil, yeah, and that's okay. You can erase it, you can move it, you can rewrite it, yeah, whatever it is, but it's all about what is going to work for you, and try to reduce the stress as much as you possibly can.

Dr. Brad Miller 9:55

I think one way of doing that is to think in terms of a placeholder. Or a type of mentality rather than an ink. You know, consider writing an ink, and you know, whatever placeholder means that this is what I would love to do. You know, for instance, you know you plan around, you plan around Christmas and birthdays and other family celebrations or vacations and things like that, because you do have to do some planning. But when you have cancer, deal with these type of things, maybe you could think of those in terms of placeholders that things you would love to do, and if it works out, do them, but you may have to change your plans, and kind of understand that your health and your body gets a vote in this, this deal, and that you so hold your plans kind of loosely, as you say, put them in pencil, not in pen. So, yeah, yeah,

You know. And I think it's very important to have the long-term and the short-term goals, yeah, you know, we've talked before about, you know, when you were first diagnosed, some of your goals are to see your granddaughters grow up. That's right, that's right. And so, you know, this year, it might be, you know, obviously we do have the long-term want to see them, get married, want to see them, you'll all those things. But you know, you also have the short-term things, you know, have them come visit over Easter, right? Or whatever it is. And, you know, and it's funny, I had somebody challenge me last year when I was kind of on this same subject, because I said, you know, we were, we were doing business planning, and it was, What are your long-term goals? You know, five years, 10 years. And I said, it's hard, it's really hard to do that when I don't know what's going to happen next week, let alone five years and 10 years. And they kind of took me to task and said I was manifesting that. And it was, it was interesting, because it's kind of one of those mixed things, right, right. Want to be realistic, but we also do need to be planning for the future, um, you know, and, and so it was. It was an interesting conversation that I

Had I, I think we might think about it in terms of this whole topic here, with some nuance to it. What I mean by that is, I think there's a slight difference between vision and mission, and goal setting. So, you're like, I have the vision of seeing my granddaughters get married and graduate high school and things like that. They're young right now, and that was, that's part of what keeps me going in my cancer situation. So, my mission, then, is to create my life with my health and my mental health and my focus to get that done. And the goals are kind of along the way or kind of the signpost along the way. So, I know there are different aspects of this, and so you're right, the short term, you know, my long-term vision is to be with my granddaughters when they graduate high school, get married, whatever they do, 2020, years from now, and I'll have to be in my late 80s to do that. So we'll see what, but the reality is, since you're

going to be there for their wedding, you're going to be in charge of it, I know you're going to you're going to marry them.

Well, that would be that’s my vision. You know, we'll see. But who knows what the reality is? You must deal with the kind of reality right in front of you, as it were, sometimes, if you send your mother crashing through a door, crashing through a movie, movie theater, you might have to change your plans a little bit. But the idea here is to see things kind of an appropriate light. Because if you, if you, if you don't meet a short-term goal, and you're devastated by it, then, then you've not done yourself or others any good at all. And, you know, I think maybe we may have talked about this before, but there's a paradox that comes out of the Vietnam War era, and it's called the Stockdale paradox, which I think we've talked about a little bit before, but basically we're prisoners of war and Hannah Hilton pilots and so on. There'd be some who said, I'll be home, you know, I'll be home by Christmas, you know, three months from now, if they didn't make it, they were devastated. Others said, I'll the others said I'll never make it, you know. And those two groups of folks had a hard time making it, those who gave up immediately, and those who had kind of a more of a pie in the sky, kind of an unrealistic deal, but those who really made it. And Admiral, Admiral Stockdale came up with this whole thing, thinking who was one of the prisoners of war there. And he said, those who have this thinking of facing the brutal facts and still move forward in hope. Those are the ones who really make it. And I think it's what we're talking about here to have an overriding hope, but you've got to face your facts. You've got to face the brutal facts and still, still choose to move forward and hope. And I can think that's what we need to do here. You. How's, do you think humor plays any part in this here,

What are we talking about here? I think humor definitely plays a big part in it, you know, and maybe it's, it's in the, you know, the goals that we're setting, you know, I'm going to put on pants today.

Yeah? Get her done.

Yeah, you know. And, you know, I'm going to make my doctor laugh, you know, whatever it is, I think we need to do that. And maybe the goal is I am going to laugh more, you know, that might be the thing. And so, I think we definitely want to make sure that humor is a big part of this, because it is so very important.

One of the ways to look at that is to find what are the hubris things that we can anchor on that it and this we can anchor on many things we anchor on friends or family or or our faith or events, you know, in our lives, but one of the things we can anchor on in our new year planning is, what are some things that do make us laugh or smile. It might be a TV show. It might be a comedian that we like. It might be a podcast we like to listen to any number of things, but what are our people you know, or telling dumb dad jokes, whatever we would be, but those things that can understand that laughter is a part of it, kind of playing it into our lives, is what I'm trying to say, because to plan for joy instead of just for for pain, you know, and that's what we can do. I love to hear that part of what people can do is and try to plan for good days as well. You know, bad days are going to happen. But try to plan for good days and to celebrate. And when you do have a good day, do something with it. You know that, don't just let it, don't let your time just fizzle off. Do something with it. Make a phone call, write a letter, read a book, make a Facebook post, or something like this, where people can celebrate the good days if you're having a good day, for some people, depending, you know, you know, chemotherapy and all kinds of other things happen. You know that you know you have some really rough times, but you can have some better days as well, and to celebrate those, right?

Yeah. I mean, your goal might be, or your gratitude for the day, I guess I would say, is, I didn't throw up today.

right? Yeah, oh, absolutely, yeah.

I've got a new hairstyle, you know, or whatever it is. And that comes back to humor, right? Um, you know, and, and making fun of the things, you know, I remember long ago, when my grandmother had cancer, she wore a wig, and we called it Sally. I don't know why we gave it a name, but we, you know, we were, we were kids, just.

to be clear that there wasn't your grandmother's name? Was

it? No, my grandma's name was Ruby.

Okay, her wig was Sally. So, there are two of them, okay, all right,

um, you know. And she was forever in a day getting Sally on crooked. And, you know, we go up and we, you know, and straighten Sally out. Yeah, we just had a good time with it. And, you know, I think that's, you know, that's, that's one of the things, you know, if you're, if you're the family, the friends of someone who is going through this, how can you make them laugh, you know, and enlighten that moment for them?

Yeah, awesome. Awesome. Well, let's just talk about a couple of other things here and kind of bring us around to what we may be able to encourage our listeners to do. But I think one of the things that we can encourage our lifter up to be about is, you know, we hear things about, when you get a diagnosis of cancer, you know, the dread and the dream of, you know, I'm going to die, and that kind of stuff comes to just right away. And some people talk about, you talk about, you get your bucket list, things that you have to get accomplished. You've got to go skydiving, you've got to travel to Europe, or whatever it is, get her done. And I think there's maybe some place for that, but maybe we could talk about kind of an anti-bucket list too, things that you can stop doing, you know, you can stop worrying about certain obligations or start will stop worrying about certain expectations. You know that maybe draining your energy and maybe cancer can be one way of saying this is an opportunity to say no to certain things.

things, right? Yeah, get rid of the toxic people in your life. Oh yeah. Stop watching the news 24 hours a day, oh my gosh. You know, all of those things, and, you know, I think we do see a lot of people reprioritize things. You know, whether it's their professional life, their, you know, their friends, whatever it is. And you know it's, it's good for anybody to always be thinking about that. And, of course, we do. At the start of a new year, we start thinking about what's going on. But having a serious diagnosis really forces us into that, you know. And I think it's okay to go into that and be thinking, Okay, what do I want to do? Who do I want in my life? You know, do I not want in my life? Things like that?

I think it's also just kind of goes along that line of, instead of thinking about accomplishments and things like this, think about relationships. Think about what fills you up, not what drains you, you know, trying to think about obligation. Think about what opportunities things of that nature. And I think it's reframing, you know, the goal-setting type of thing. We stopped by to set our goals in pencil. But I think setting goals that are, some people might call them enough goals that, like I did this today, and that's enough, you know, that, you know, I did. I rested enough, you know, if I need to get up and get going, or maybe I need to take a rest, you know, that kind of thing. And enough is enough. What do you think about that?

Well, that's so true. And I think we also need to remember that nobody else gets to determine that. Yeah, right, you know, and I think that's something that is a challenge, you know, because we always want to be pleasing other people, be doing whatever, you know. And maybe it's time to say, no, no, no, I need to nap. You're going to let me nap, you know, go away, whatever it is, you know, and, and, and, you know. So maybe it is a time to be setting some of those boundaries, you know, and just making sure that we're going forward the way we want, in a positive way. You know, it's okay to be saying no, but be saying it positively. Yeah? And let's be honest, you don't need to explain yourself. I tell people No, is a full sentence?

Yeah, no, enough, or good, or is it enough? Well, let's bring it around to this, and maybe you can kind of put a bow on this discussion here. Deb, by this, let's be a word of encouragement to that person who's dealing with cancer or to some other adversity in life. So, what would be your word of New Year's encouragement to someone who's kind of a little bit flailing, a little bit right now will be your word to that person.

You can do it, you know. And so, I guess if I had to do just one word, resilient would be the word steady. Now, here's a funny one. Curious.

Yeah, awesome, awesome.

Well, I would just share it with people, so I like to call it your credo. Kind of write down what you kind of believe about yourself, not so many goals, so much, but just about who you are and what you're all about. A short sentence or two to write that down. And you know, one of the things that I do is I have my cancer credo, right? Oh yes, yes, right by my desk, Peter, and I'm just, I just want to read it. Maybe they can bring our conversation to a close today, maybe provide encouragement to people. And so, my point is to kind of sort through these things we've talked about here today and write something down, not so much a goal-setting thing, but a statement of who you are. So, here's what I wrote down a couple of years ago when I was first diagnosed with cancer, and I just call it my Cancer Coping credo. When I let cancer define me, I will leverage cancer to refine my life to the better in my relationships and to drive me forward in my remaining days, to fulfill the mission of sharing a message of healing through hope and humor and teaching the biblical message that a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

I love that, and that's a great way to end our discussion. Mm.